I’ve decided to resurrect my blog. If you’re really good at math, you’ve probably figured out that I have already experienced that bloody, violent ordeal we call birth. Actually, mine was pretty awesome but I’ll write a bit more about that later, probably when I’m in a better mood. A more witty mood. I’m feeling about as bland as the Sarah Silverman Show.
Moving on. I really miss blogging. Ideally, I’d love to get so good at blogging that ‘they’ (the people that start rumors, run tabloids and own the world etc) give me Google or something. Ima own the SHIZNIT outa Google.
Categorically, I suppose that this would be referred to as a ‘parenting’ blog. I cottoned onto this after watching an unbelievably stressful Uma Thurman film that suggested every blog that was loosely based on children, family and the life that surrounds such things must, for all intents and purposes, be referred to as a ‘Parenting Blog’. STOP READING!!!!! I feel compelled to warn you that you are in fact reading a ‘Parenting Blog’ written by a (ZOMG) 21 year old new mother of one (1) small person. I have NEVER done this before. NO notches on my belt, NO past experience to speak of and NO idea what the hell I’m doing. Taking all of this into consideration, I’m completely okay with this new label I’ve acquired (by default) because I feel that no one tells the truth about parenting. I LOATHE parenting magazines!!!!! It’s like being stabbed in the face with baby tears. Sure, your kids don’t pick their noses, eat gluten or yell aimlessly (covered in feces), just in the same way that you always have dinner ready for your other half, self-wax your ‘fun zone’ whilst reciting Hamlet (for a little bit of culture) and have every part of your life super flipping organized. Sorry, aforementioned person, YOU DON’T EXIST. You just don’t. It is IMPOSSIBLE for any human to be infallible, especially whilst they are in charge of a tiny little person, as well as themselves. The fact of the matter is this – Parenting is hard at any age and if you want to act like a completely heinous bitch about it and then publish it for us normal people to read, well…I can’t really do anything but complain about it on this here blog. TAKE THAT. BLOG P4WNED.
Admittedly, I’ve really ignored this blog. Please be assured that I still held up my habit of playing music to my unborn, I just didn’t write about it. I was lazy, everywhere hurt and I was more swollen than a dead, waterlogged moose. The music playing still happened, yes, but it was more a mixtape…not uniformed in any way. I thought about this a bit more, got all deep on my own ass and realized that this would make such a great metaphor to write about! YAY! Motherhood is much like a mixtape. You never know what’s coming next and whatever it may be, it has the potential to change your mood, your perspective and (in situations involving Phil Collins, first steps and tragedy) even your life.
On that meaningful, vomit-worthy note, I am going to continue eating chocolate and drinking wine in peace. (Fail Mummy)
UPDATE: I would like to add (because it sounds like I’m a cynical basket case) that I actually DO love my daughter to the bones. She is the best thing that has ever happened, not just to me but to the entire planet. Believe it, I birthed super-baby. She is so super cool and I can tell she’s going to be a kick-ass human and will probably make a living by kicking asses, owning and other such things. I can’t imagine my life without her.
